I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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