you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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