i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
