that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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