Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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