My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
