She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
