Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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