You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize