saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
zippers are such a cool invention
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
