My liver just broke up with me...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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