I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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