Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
