Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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