ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this boner is exhausting
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
