My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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