i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
