Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
