Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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