so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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