she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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