Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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