i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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