Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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