I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize