Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
