Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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