life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
