I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just puked most of my soul out..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
