May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
