worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
