I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
