Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
