Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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