What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
