i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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