oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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