the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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