I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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