You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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