I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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