if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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