I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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