for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
