Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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