I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He shit in the fireplace
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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