It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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