I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
