she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize