I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
