Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
