Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
