I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
