When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
