Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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