I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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