She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
