kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
