i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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