I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize