Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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