Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
