Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
