i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
