U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
now i know why i became what i already was.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
